Turnaround

The other day, I reached into my chest cavity and yanked out my heart. Once I had a steady grip, I wrung it out in front of the man I have some complicated feelings for. Little thoughts and confessions dripped and spilled everywhere, making a huge, gooey mess. Instead of becoming a useless wreck, I felt.... light when I was done. Like maybe I could let go of the feelings I've been harboring and just move on. I can stop waiting for something impossible and indulging in irrational fantasies. I'm so ready to just shove it aside. No more wearing my ring on my left hand so no one will hit on me or ask me out. Regardless of how terrifying it is, I'm going to turn my heart to the world.


This doesn't mean I'm actively searching, though. I'm not going to go out of my way to date but, I'm open to the idea. I've got stuff to do. Classes to study for and work to do at Target. There's no way I'm going to hunt down a man. But, hey, if a guy asks me out and I'm interested? He can have some of my time.

I'm lonely. Not lonely enough to cry myself to sleep at night but, lonely enough to whine about it a little. The problem with being open to the idea of dating is my location. My little town isn't known for having a quality crop of guys so, it's a little tough to keep optimistic. I complain about being lonely but, I also find it hard to be interested in the guys here for more than two seconds. I mean, there is a chance that I'll stumble across some masterpiece of a man but, I'd have to be super lucky. If I never come across that opportunity here, I'll survive. I don't plan on spending the rest of my life here anyways.

I want to do things differently. I've been obsessed over, hurt, fucked, led on, and played with. Well, that era is over. I am 800% done with that shit.

I'm done with giving people chances. I'm not going to agree to see you if I'm not interested. Sorry, I'm a woman who knows what she wants.

Don't give me your number. You can work a phone, I'll give you my number. I do realize thatI also can work a telephone but I want a guy with some balls who is willing to take the initiative.

I'm not a whore. You won't see me naked on date number 2 and I'm not going to suck your dick within 5 minutes of knowing you. Yeah.

I can't date quiet/shy guys. Been there, done that. It never works for me. I need someone with a little confidence. Don't mistake easy-going with shy.

I will not waste my time waiting for you. I'm not a dog, you sure as hell better not treat me like one.

I'm not going to make excuses for you. I'm going to see you for who yu are. If I see something I don't like, I'll either accept it or hit the road. It is. That easy. There will be no: "Yeah, he's an alcoholic. But only a little so, it's okay!" Yeah, no.

I won't continue to date someone who doesn't cherish me as much as I cherish them. I don't want to be worshipped but, I do want to know I'm loved. Show and tell, all the time.

Of course I want so much more, a lot more than I could possibly write but.... These have all been a problem at one point of my life. Time to take back my standards, right? I'm getting to that point in my life where I just won't take anyone's shit anymore.

I just want someone to mesh with. Someone sincere who thinks my eyes are captivating. Someone playful to roll around and laugh in the grass with. Someone spontaneous enough to pull me into the rain with all my clothes on. Someone who will stick their finger in my cake batter with a grin, knowing I'm going to smack his butt with a spatula. That's not asking for too much. I just want something real. I'm not into shallow relationships.